After the first time...
So, Dick continues to try to prove his “innocence” — including subjecting me to being around the other woman. This proved nothing for me. It did, though, continue to push me down the path of never automatically believing things he said. During therapy, he'd once had the nerve to tell me that I “needed” to trust him just because he was my husband. As though trust isn't earned or lost, and that it should never waver when someone abuses it.
What I lost at the moment he uttered that, was a huge chunk of the respect I'd had for him as a person.
I know we can all say stupid shit in the heat of an argument. But to demand that someone trust you after you've abused it? That's some bullshit someone tries to feed to those they're trying to control. To guilt them into not questioning you.
I may have stuck it out in the relationship, in hopes that it could somehow be redeemed, but I never truly trusted him again after that statement. I've questioned almost everything out of his mouth since.
Every statement he's made since has been processed through the “is he lying right now” filter. It's fucking exhausting. And surely doesn't foster the type of adoration and affection he hoped to get from his spouse.
And, I could pretend I feel bad about assuming there's some level of lying beneath everything he says (knowing that he doesn't actually lie about 100% of things), but I keep coming back to the phrase “you reap what you sow.” He taught me not to trust his words. I didn't do that to him.
And thus started 14 years of living together, but often feeling no real emotional connection.