I don't recall ever getting an apology for the act of lying. Forget the behavior itself that he felt the need to lie about (which, of course, I didn't get an apology for). But just for the disrespect of lying. For doing something that shows he truly doesn't respect the marriage. You lie because you're trying to “get away” with something. Something you feel you have the “right” to do, but not the balls to tell your partner about. And, of course, the underlying theme of it being his “right” to decide what he's “allowed” to do. That, because he labels his behavior innocent, even if he knows it might bother me, he's going to do it regardless. It's just so insulting and shows he has complete contempt for my feelings.
I'm being told he doesn't want to “go into” the discussion about why things are ending. If I have the audacity to refer to his lying being the reason for anything (like my lack of belief in him being honest going forward), he cuts off the conversation, walks away and acts like I've attacked him. Speaking the truth and referring to his actions is not an attack. It's reminding him why I don't believe him when he says something.
He makes occasional references to the “emotional” aspect of the break. As though, poor him, he's the only one upset by this. He won't talk about it. It's just a 2-second comment and then he's done. But it's as though he's trying to make me feel bad about what I've done. Another attempt to manipulate, reshape the narrative, and try to lay blame at my feet for all this. I suppose this could be a form of gaslighting, too.
He fails to recognize that the lying is the biggest (though, not only) problem. He continues to point to the actions he lied about as being “innocent,” as though that makes it ok to lie.
He started dating less than a month and a half from when I told him it was over. And I don't recall him once saying he wanted to work this out. So, he's obviously done with the marriage, too. But he wants to make me the bad guy — for uncovering and confronting him about the lies, and for saying I'm done. He didn't have the courage to say “I shouldn't have to lie to my spouse. We obviously have issues if this is happening, and we need to confront them or call it quits.” Nope, he just continued to lie and deny it, and took the coward's way out. Which would be fine — if he'd at least admit it.
In all these years, I've been presented with 2 choices in this marriage: accept that he lies or leave. There's never been a viable 3rd choice. The 3rd choice that I created was to pretend that I didn't know he was lying. When I did confront him, after he'd get caught, he'd claim he wouldn't lie again. Though, trying to recall if he ever actually said he wouldn't lie again and can't come up with a concrete memory of that. So, in his head, somehow, marriage should be about one person doing whatever they want and lying to their spouse about anything that their spouse might object to. And he wonders that I finally chose to be done?
As he makes comments to friends about it, I love their reactions (that I don't always officially know about, but still do). “It's too bad she's not being more sociable.” “Maybe you guys can work things out.” I know they're only hearing one side, but it's obvious he's feeding them tiny, curated bits. At one point he told someone he had to go make dinner — right after I'd just called him upstairs because I'd made a full dinner and it was ready. So, he's presenting a “poor Dick — he's got to eat by himself” vibe (it was around 8 pm that night) vs. the reality of me still buying food and making meals that include him. And the sociable bit... besides the fact that we still go for walks “as a family” occasionally, and we chat (though often a bit stilted), and we watch some TV together... really, how the fuck sociable should I be with the guy who's been lying to me however much over the years? What kind of social interaction do I owe the guy who has blown this marriage to bits with his dishonesty and is actively trying to date others? Why is it my duty to make sure he doesn't feel lonely? I'm constantly reminding my kid that there are consequences to his actions. How does a guy a dozen years away from retirement not understand that?
I've noticed he now cuts me off whenever he wants. Ends the conversation. Walks away. He gets or shares whatever info he wants and then interrupts or leaves. It's not all the time. But enough that I've noticed it. He no longer feels the need to be courteous if I'm rambling or saying something that he doesn't care about.