Separation in the time of coronavirus

So, it's always fun when things end. (Do I really need to type /s to indicate obvious sarcasm?) And, again, in the grand scheme of things, this breakup is boring and simple. No crazy “caught him in our bed with another woman” drama. No physical abuse. It's very civilized. I'm not a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow by any stretch — but I now get what she meant when she used “conscious uncoupling” to describe the end of her marriage. Though I snickered like many at the time. It is a simple phrase that is such an accurate description.

Back to the latest. I've gotten a couple emails wanting to talk about financials. Mind you, I do all the bills. The last bill under his control was his phone circa 2005 — and then it got shut off because he forgot to pay it. So I added that bill to all the others. I do the taxes. I do the reimbursements. I buy 90+% of the groceries. I do the math about/before big purchases... And before I shared with him that I could no longer pretend this was a marriage I could stay in, I did a quick spreadsheet listing our monthly bills — debts and just living expenses. By quick... I mean it's about 40 rows and about 8 columns. So, quick, but relatively detailed. And then I shared it with him (2+ months ago). So, when I started getting emails from him, I knew it would be interesting.

We've got a fair amount of debt. House, new car (replaced my 14 year old car last year), credit cards (some to refurb the house, some just overspending*). So, splitting up is a bit of a financial nightmare. We earn a good living. But we owe a fair amount. And we don't live in the cheapest part of the country. And we don't save enough. My primary goal is to not have to leave this town (and preferably, not our current house) because our kid is in a decent school, has friends, and I know how difficult it is to start at a new school. So, it will be a delicate balance to split up and not declare bankruptcy or move to a less desirable place.

Back to the conversation that happened. So, he wants to talk bills, rentals, timing, etc. And we're in the middle of COVID-19. Our area isn't hard hit. Yet. Now that things are starting to open up, I suspect we'll be one of the latest states to see a surge. So, on top of everything else, legally, I don't think we can move anything forward. I don't think the courts are open for non-emergencies, yet, and being able to investigate a refinance (to keep the house and put it only in my name) when banks are mostly just allowing drive-through traffic and I likely I couldn't get a house appraisal done right now, just means we're in a holding pattern.

He says he's found a potential rental. It's not expensive, but it requires committing to a year — without actually seeing the place. Just a pre-recorded video walk-through. I would never do that. Just wouldn't be comfortable with it. Not when I have the option to not lose more money, stay safe(er) by not moving to an apartment complex in the middle of a pandemic, see my kid more. Additionally, with his history of lying to me, I'm not comfortable, in the middle of this, with transferring the kid between the 2 places. For me, that would require trust in him that I just don't have. How do I trust that he's not going to jump at the chance to meet up with one of his virtual interests once he's in his own place? I certainly won't be able to ask him if he is and expect that he'd be truthful with me. So, I mention that I don't want our kid going back and forth while we're still doing shelter in place (even if the state is opening up, we don't plan to jump on that bandwagon). And I give a brief reason why.

His response was classic, subtle gaslighting. “Yes, I know you have trust issues and you feel you can't trust me.” Really? As though my “trust issues” were a figment of my overactive imagination. Because they were just my “feelings” — and not based in fact. I called him on it. I don't “feel” he's not trustworthy. He has proven with his behavior and his words to me that I cannot trust what he says to be the truth. I ask him again if he's lied to me and he says yes. I told him I won't accept his attempt to diminish and try to dismiss my concerns about him not being trustworthy as unjustified “feelings.” We're 3 months since I laid it all out, when he finally admitted to the most recent lie. And he obviously still thinks that me not being able to trust him is no big deal. His lie was about an “innocent” happy hour.

Then I asked why he is so anxious to move out, considering things have been superficially cordial and fine between us. He told me I should try sleeping in the basement (as his reason for wanting to move out ASAP). I pointed out that I didn't spend over a decade lying to him, so I wouldn't be the one in the basement. That ended the conversation, as he abruptly stormed out saying he wasn't going to talk about that (remember me explaining why I wrote a letter at first?). And, as a side note, the basement is mostly finished. And while it's far from “pretty” and there's a fair amount of squeaking (floorboards above him), the room he's in is officially a bedroom, with a closet, 3 full-sized windows, and a door to the outside. So, there's light, circulation and even a quick escape route. And he's got a TV, multiple game systems, wifi, a queen-sized bed, and it's around 20x16. And we still share the upstairs — with the exception of the master bath and bed. It's not ideal, but it's far from living in a box.

So, that's the latest. Still won't talk about his lying. Still walks away when he chooses to. Still wants to reshape the narrative and quietly insinuate that he's the victim. And a new thing — has trouble making eye contact with me. And tonight he chose not to eat dinner with us. We've been eating dinner as a family about 4-5 times a week (and just leftovers or whatever on the other nights).

This was not what I thought this would be like back in December, when I first realized I couldn't stay in this any longer. It's a whole other thing, trying to separate while being held hostage by COVID-19. Though, of course, unlike many others, we're lucky enough that this is our only real worry right now. Adding yet another layer of perspective, as I step back, write all this down, and try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

*More about the overspending: I also dug into his pay stubs (because I do the taxes) — to compare what he deposits into our shared account (more on this later — need to start hashtags for things, I think) vs. what money is never shared with me. Turns out, he's been keeping around $10k a year in his account to spend however. Some is basic stuff — gas for the car. Lunch. But who knows what it all is. But, since he often talks about having no money, and I generally pay for any restaurant trips out or pretty much anything else, he burns through roughly $800 a month. And I won't pretend I'm a penny pincher or don't have my own wasteful things (like this write.as platform that I've decided to subscribe to). But I'm having a tough time coming up how I could have spent $600+ a month (saying $200 might have been gas and lunch), every month on things for the past however many years.