But, essentially, this is me, wondering if I'm seeing what I want to see. I think I'll know soon enough, because I've got to ask to find out, but, until then, my mind is spinning.

As part of me trying to remember who I am again after decades of burying things, and remember what I like and just get on with everything and not lose myself again, I've started going to lots of music events. Not just one band. But, I fully admit, one gets a special focus from me.

About a year ago I treated myself to the first live music I've seen in a while. Because of covid. But also because the ex and the kid didn't have the same... appreciation for live music. And, just like movies, or tv shows, they talk through EVERYTHING. Call me crazy, but when I want to see or hear something, I don't want running commentary from people who have nothing to do with it. If I did, I'd stay home and have a conversation. So, when I go to listen to music, I want to hear it. Feel it. Lose myself in it. I want to pick up on the lyrics, and maybe catch how they aren't quite the same today as other days. And ponder if that means something, if it's a slip, or if it's intentional. And then, make a pretend connection with the person singing — maybe, in part, not to feel so isolated. Sure, it's all in my head, but we all know that the mind has an amazing ability to take care of itself. And sometimes, even if it's not real, it helps.

Back to the story. So, a year ago, I went to a festival with several bands I'd heard of, but had never seen. I spent all day, sitting in a chair, out in a field, listening to a handful of bands play music I mostly enjoyed. A few I really enjoyed — and I've kept seeing them whenever I can over the past year. One triggered something in me that made me seek out more info. I can't be the only one who sometimes gets a feeling upon meeting (or almost meeting) someone and just thinks they'd get along. It's happened to me maybe half a dozen times. I don't remember ever being wrong. It's not solely romantic — some friends started out this way. It's just a feeling. I want to say “simpatico” — but I bet if I look up the true definition, I'd say that's not quite it, either. It's just a thought that “this person and I would really get along.” That simple. I'm not one to spend a lot of time or effort on half-friends. I'd much rather have a few real friends, than dozens of superficial relationships. And right now, while I have a few people I'd consider true friends, there are none that I'm close to and talk to regularly. I'm good on my own. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't wonder what it's like to be super-close to someone who I really trust, respect, and want to hear from and share everything with — both ways. It's such a rare thing. And I don't know if most people don't care, pretend they have it, or really do have that in their lives — and maybe it's just something with me that I don't easily find this kind of match.

Wandering away from the point, again. So, at this festival last year, one of the singers captured my attention. It wasn't when he was singing. Or even the lyrics (at least not at that point). It was when he finished his set and went from sitting on the side of the stage (the next band's singer had indicated he was going to ask him to join him a on stage a bit later — so he was sticking close), to lying on the ground. Innocuous, right? But it was dark. And he was by himself. And he chose, while dressed in almost all black, to lose himself in the audience. He was lying in front of me (I was still in my chair), alternating between just lying there, and looking at his phone. As people walked toward him, and barely avoided tripping over or landing on top of him as he lay there, in almost pitch black. Maybe he was tired. Maybe it had nothing to do with what was circulating through his head. But in that moment, I was intrigued and hooked. Because all I kept thinking was — this is something I'd do. Lose myself in a crowd till no one can see me. But he also did what I'd do. He was listening and paying attention. The moment the guy on stage called for him, he popped up and made his way over.

Curiosity piqued, I sought out more info. And the more I dug, the more it reinforced this imaginary connection. No, not in a stalker fates-intertwined way. In a... if we ever really had a conversation, I bet it would be good. Not superficial, not strained — just comfy and enjoyable.

And then, there are some coincidences and similarities — that just solidify this mental fiction. Studied the same things in college, study abroad, age, younger sister, family life revolved around education, parents grew up in the same area of the country, went to small colleges, take pictures of similar things, like to do things ourselves (vs. outsource), etc. There are also tons of differences — namely, that while our musical taste may overlap, he's got talent and affinity for music — and I most certainly do not. :) So, not deluded into thinking we have tons in common, either — keeping a nice check on reality and the fact that maybe, if we'd talk, we'd discover in less than 10 minutes that we'd never have a desire to chat again.

And all of this would be fine. I wouldn't expect anything to come of it and know that 95% of what I see is what my mind wants me to see and think. But I still enjoy the music (and his bandmates seem nice — and amusing — so I have other incentives to keep going to shows), and still love that attending and listening to the music pulls me out of my head for a couple hours each time.

But, a week ago, at a show, he made a reference to living out in the country (vs. the smaller city he'd been living in) — in the town I've lived in the for the past 6 years. I know where he used to live — down the road about 20 miles. And I knew he moved sometime in the past 6+ months (the internet — both amazing and evil). But didn't know where. Just knew it was likely somewhere local since all the shows still seem to be in the same area (here and within 150 miles or so). But hearing my town come out of his mouth while he was on stage was a bit of a shock.

And it hit harder this evening than it did originally. Because for the past 4-5 months I've seen a particular cyclist go by my house a handful of times — that I'd never seen before. Someone who looks an awful-lot like him. Granted, he's a taller white dude with a beard — and that describes about 50% of the male population where I live. I'd seen this cyclist go by the house before I knew he'd moved. And I remember the first time I saw him, I thought he looked like him. And then thought I was nuts. Because I knew he lived somewhere else and there was no reason he'd bike up here. But I know he bikes — so it caused me to whip my head around. But, he was going too fast for me to get a second look. And then, tonight, right after I pulled in from work, I walked to my mailbox, and there was the cyclist — coming around the corner and going right by me, my mailbox, and the house. And maybe it's not him. It's highly unlikely it's him. What would be the odds? But, damn, they've got the same smile.

So... I'm seeing the band play again tomorrow night. And again on Saturday. I've only said a few words to him. I've got the TMI discomfort keeping me in check most of the time — I know too much about him and it makes me uncomfortable with starting a conversation with him. I feel guilty for knowing as much as I do — even if he's a public figure and it's all info that anyone can find online if they just take the time to read. It just seems unfair and intrusive. Yet, somehow, I just keep getting sucked back in. :) At least I'm not prone to conspiracy theories and those rabbit holes.

The question I keep asking myself... and I keep changing my answer to... do I ask if he's the new neighborhood cyclist? Do I ask if he really lives in this town (and not just some weird thing he said on stage and he doesn't really live here)? I absolutely know it will bug me if I don't ask. If I don't get an answer (regardless of what it is). But I also dread making it awkward. I like the music. I like the fun of driving all over to see them play. It gets me out of the house and gives me a destination. There are other bands (and I do go out to see others), but where they play is often the same old, same old. This group goes all over. And if I had more free time and flexibility, I'd be able to see them in a bunch more new places that I'm already bummed I can't see. Tomorrow night is on a boat. I haven't been on the water in 3 years. I'm so excited — combining music while being on the water? Perfect! So I don't want to fuck that sort of thing up.

So... do I risk freaking the guy out? Is asking to confirm if what he said on stage was true crossing a line? I feel he opened the door by telling everyone. But am I rationalizing being nosy? And how do I casually say “did you ride by my house last night?” without sounding crazy? I live on 2.5 acres, in a town of less than 10k people. And, for a little extra context, I know he's seen me at at least a handful of shows. Many are small. And I sit by myself — trying like hell to sit away from all the others who are gabbing away through the whole thing. One of his bandmates introduced himself to me at the last show on Sunday — and said “I've seen you at a few shows.” So... yeah. I'm torn. It would really suck to feel uncomfortable at future shows. Notice I didn't say “not go to future shows”? :)

And yep. All rhetorical. Questions for me alone. Because I've turned off comments. Because this is where I spew — to try to process whatever's passing through my head. Without paying a shrink. In between shows, when I can't just turn it off.

Shit. I hope I can sleep tonight. Would be a bummer to be so tired I miss the boat. Or fall off it because I'm so out of it. :)

But, on the flip side, this summer, I chose to do some things I used to do. Things that I curbed or inhibited. Or simply gave up. For almost 20 years. When I was more focused on the family unit, than I was on myself. Marriage (or just a committed partnership) is often a compromise. But I think most people don't realize how much, until they're on the other side of it. This isn't a shocking revelation. But going through it was more peaceful and liberating than I'd anticipated. I don't know how many people bemoan the ending of their relationship vs. celebrate it. And I don't mean in a vengeful, but cathartic “burn all his shit” type of way. Bad example? I could see that going either way... But it's like I've stopped taking the pain killers that dulled all my senses — not just the pain. It's so draining to feel like I'm constantly tamping down my thoughts, my wants, my breathing. And again, as I type this, I realize I did not have it bad. There was no abuse. I could have left earlier. Though, there might have been more financial ruin. But still. So, I know this is a lot of privileged complaining. But... my form of therapy. And this summer's complementary therapy? Music. And seeing new places — even those close by.

I started with treating myself to a birthday gift of going to a small folk festival in the next town over. I've always liked music. I have zero musical talent. But I think that's part of it — I'm always so impressed by others and what they can do. And I used to go to a fair amount of shows on my own. Nothing crazy — but it was always a release. It's when I turned my brain off. Sleep doesn't do that. Reading sometimes does. But music? Always. I think I just put that together as I type this. I have an almost incessant inner monologue. That I recently read that not everyone has — I'd always thought everyone did. It's not often silent. And even though my ex may have thought he needed a break from me. I think my need of a break from me trumped his. And I wasn't getting that nearly enough. As I withdrew from the marriage, that voice grew, compounding the issues. A lyric from a song I've heard recently says something about a wife being as cold as a Monday. That was me. Each lie caused me to just turn colder, and my inner voice grew, filling the silence that permeated the relationship.

So, that day, I spent the whole time hanging out in a field, listening to different bands. No kid begging me to leave. No spouse rolling his eyes and making fun of the music or the people. No one TALKING through everything. It was amazing. The music was great — but just being there, and being able to feel like I was allowed to enjoy it and bathe in it. It had been too long. So, I started checking out some of the bands I saw, and some others I'd seen online. Instead of making plans “if nothing else comes up,” I chose to make plans around the music and the destinations where they were happening. I went on hikes in towns nearby before ending the day, listening to live music. I saw new places that are close, but not that close. And it was great for dipping my toe into the covid-infused air, but not feeling like I was taking any real risks. If I had no kid, I'm sure I'd take more risks. But each time I consider it, I wonder what would happen to him if I got really sick, or didn't make it. I know, statistically, I'd probably be fine. But I just can't get past the guilt that would haunt me the moment I got sick, if my toss of the dice did me in.

But this leads me to my current distraction...

It's now been a full year since I discovered the latest lie that caused me to say “enough.” A week before Christmas. He moved out at the end of June. Continued to lie to me about what he was doing to try to get his way. Insisted he wasn't lying till I started naming names he thought I didn't know about. It was sad. He was out. He didn't have to keep lying — except to get what he wanted, and apparently, to try to pull one over on me. And so he tried again. All he did was seal his fate in my head as someone who will never been trustworthy. I will never be able to listen to his words and have the default thought be “he is telling the truth.” Will he ever understand the damage? He will constantly be pissed at me every time I question something he says. But will he ever accept that he's why I will? He planted those seeds. Repeatedly. It's sad that moving out didn't trigger that change for him. That his go-to response when given the choice to lie or be truthful — when he thinks the truth will not go over well — is to just keep lying. And lying about lying. And still, 10 months after telling him I'm done — I still don't recall a single apology. Not that it would matter. But it would be nice to know that he at least understood that lying was not ok. Oy. My poor kid keeps hearing me say that. Eventually it will click and he'll know I'm talking about his father and that lying had something to do with why it's over.

We've managed a détente. He doesn't keep asking for something and lying to justify his request (he wanted the kid to spend time with him, despite now being 2 households and claiming he agrees with covid best behaviors, including keeping our kid remote for the school year), and we pretend that we're pseudo-friends. I'm still paying the bills, he's still providing money. Legal stuff is on hold till the craziness eases up (and while I do things to fix up the house, prior to getting a home equity loan). He sees the kid, but keeps his distance and masks up. They chat and game online whenever they want.

So, I'm looking forward to the new, for many of the same reasons others are. And for some of my own. To solidify this change, to legalize it, and because, once we get vaccinated, I look forward to my kid being able to spend time with his dad. Knowing that his lies, at that point, won't put us at additional risk (that he'll, apparently, continue to lie about).

Here's hoping we can all start to heal this coming year. And that all who lost so much more than me, can somehow forgive all those who made choices that others paid for. We won't forget. But hoping we can move on — and not forget to help (and not hurt) others when we're able.

So, I just got asked by my 11-year old if we had a specific thing in our pantry. I said I don't know. I'm in the bedroom. He came in from the kitchen to ask. I asked if he'd looked for himself. I was told — “dad told me to ask you.” Dad is also in the kitchen. So glad this is his last day in this house.

The item in question: I'd given a sealed box of it to his dad for the his apartment (it's canned meat that I will be thankful to never buy again, and was happy to be rid of), but didn't know if there might be a couple loose ones remaining on the shelves. So, this comes up and I had to lead my kid to the kitchen, then to the pantry, turn on the light and say “look for yourself — you're going to learn how to use yours eyes and hands.” He takes a 2-second look, moves a can and says no, none there. I can clearly see that there's a can that looks like what he wants (it's much smaller — so the fact that there's a big empty spot that isn't really empty makes it a bit obvious to me) behind 2 other cans. I make him keep looking. And then... MAGIC! It's discovered. And I reiterate that as an 11-year old, he shouldn't need me in this situation. And he repeats to me “dad told me to ask you.”

Yep. For all the doubts that come with ending a marriage, this sort of shit just reaffirmed my decisions. It's petty as hell. But it's telling and emblematic of the whole relationship. And there are countless examples of his fake helplessness. I've effectively been the man's mother for the past 18 years. This wasn't a partnership. If I had chosen to continue to put up with lying, I certainly wasn't benefiting in any other way than financially. It was never a worthwhile trade-off. I almost glad he kept lying and made it so easy to confirm. It gave me the push I needed to call it.

From the last blowout (that I wrote about), he informed me of some of my major shortcomings. One is that “nothing in this house is mine.” He went on to give an example — the kitchen. His gripe? I'm too rigid in where I want things to be put (standard kitchen stuff, after it's been used and washed).

So, in my 18 years with him, one of his shortcomings is his memory. He knows this. Our kid knows this. Some of it is likely due to his medical issues and maintenance meds, but not all — as all 3 of his sisters have mentioned that he was like this before the onset of those issues (around age 30). With his memory not being great (except for quotes from 30-year old movies), he's not only forgetting things I've asked or told him, but he often forgets where he's put things. He often thinks he's lost something, though it's usually around, but just can't be found right away.

In the kitchen, this means, as I'm in the process of prepping or cooking (of which, I probably do 80% — he cooks an occasional breakfast), I end up going to grab something I need and not being able to find it. Sometimes it's an easy search — in a similar drawer. Sometimes not. Sometimes finding the tool is time-sensitive — stuff is threatening to burn because I thought I'd grab what I needed in half a second and it's now turned into a 2 minute search. Plus, we have a fair amount of stuff, and keeping track of it all if we just toss it anywhere is annoying — and we'd likely run out of space, as I have most of it strategically placed so that it can all (mostly) fit.

So... I pointed out that I do most of the cooking. I asked how often he cooks. He was silent. I said I like to be able to easily find things, and if, while I'm cooking and I can't find something, if I could ask him where something is and IF he'd know, I'd be less irritated. So, he says he puts it back where it makes sense to him. I have multiple frustrations with this.

1. He doesn't always put it back in the same place — so where it makes sense to him is not static.
2. When asked where — it doesn't make enough sense to him that he retains it because he often doesn't remember where he put it.
3. It's a passive aggressive move on his part to just put it wherever, knowing that I want it to be in a spot where I know I can find it.
4. He chooses not to ask where I normally put it because that would require effort and acknowledgement that he can't be bothered to remember, even though we've lived here for 3 years.
5. Before we moved in, we had the kitchen renovated — and while we both had input (we picked out the cabinets, flooring and countertop together), he deferred to me when he had no opinion, and when we finally moved in, he told me to put things wherever, knowing I was the one almost always cooking.
6. He doesn't even check the dishes when he puts them back — I often find dirty things in drawers — caked on stuff, and sometimes oozing stuff.

So. What made me smile this week? As he's busy trying to get everything together for his move (one week from today he will be OUT!), he's lost three different things. During the blowout, I pointed out how he “misplaces” things regularly, and that's why I want things in the same location all the time in the kitchen. He blew that off. Well, guess who never puts his wallet, keys, or bag (he's got a couple sling bags that he uses) in the same place? Guess who, during the past 2 weeks, has misplaced his wallet? And his keys? And his bag? And this is a regular occurrence. And not a 2-minute “lost” — he went days looking for one thing. We rarely leave the house without him wondering where something is and if he has it (usually phone and wallet, but sometimes other things). So... if I believed in karma... I don't. But I do believe in illustrating my point. And he does it for me so often.

It came up because he wanted to know my opinion about a place he looked at and if I thought he should take it. It's a crappy place and normally, I'd say no. I told him the only reason I was pushing for him to leave was that he continues to lie. That he left the house, didn't say where he was going, and was adding exposure risk to the kid. He then said I put the kid at more risk because of the hike. And that I did that. I pointed out that we went on the hike and it was a joint decision. And that was my point — he was making decisions for himself and his benefit, and not with all of us in mind. And he claims he asked the kid to go with him to fly a kite. But strangely, the kid had no idea where he was that day (he wanted to go scootering with him). So, either the kid forgot, or the ex was lying.

He likes to say “if I tell people what I lied about, they wouldn't think it was a big deal.” He really likes to focus on what he lied ABOUT — and not that he lied. And he kept asking what else I knew he lied about. So, certainly not making me feel like I know close to all of the lies with that line of questioning.

I told him that I flat-out don't trust him. That that's what happens after you hear enough lies. He started talking about his list of issues with me (I knew he had one!), but not that he wanted to talk about any of it.

And he said he plans on telling everyone why the marriage ended and that they'd all find it petty. And I pointed out that he'd likely not tell them everything/the truth. He claims he will. I told him that if he did that, I'd counter. At one point, he told me he didn't even think of those things as lies.

I asked him how often he felt I lied to him. Lied with the intent to deceive. Not “white lies.” He couldn't answer that. He tried to answer a different question. I redirected back to my actual question. Then he said he was done. He said that a few times. He didn't want to talk about it. Because he couldn't recall a time I'd lied to him.

So... I did some googling, because I'm just finding it hard to swallow that so many people (per the ex) find it ok to lie in a marriage.

And sure enough, I found something that summed up how I feel:

“Looking at the correlation between the lying/lied-to scales, it seems likely that the people higher on both measures are also lower in intimacy. They prefer not to tell, or know, the truth about their partners. In fact, in a dissertation cited by Hart and his team, deception frequency was correlated with lower relationship satisfaction. Relationship satisfaction is a key ingredient of high intimacy. Telling lies to your partner may feel, to you, like you’re doing your partner a favor. Over time, though, you’re not doing a favor to your partner or your relationship.”

(Psychology Today: When, if Ever, is it OK to Lie to Your Partner)

One of the ex's gripes — I was cold and didn't initiate sex. Shocker. I told him, yes, that was true. He claims I'd always been that way with him. I don't remember it that way. I remember it changing. I remember being much less interested in him after the first round of lies. I even recall when he'd do things a little differently — and my immediate thought was “who taught him this — he was just on a trip. What was he doing on the trip?” Yeah... probably an indicator I was having doubts and difficulty trusting him.

So, yeah, it's beyond time. But it makes me wonder — do that many people lie to their spouses and find it acceptable??? Am I really an outlier in this?

Tonight, I'm reading to the kid (Spy School series — we're both enjoying it) and I hear my phone buzzing. I don't answer — I'm reading to my kid. We finish, and I'm trying to get the kid out to brush his teeth and get to bed. It's late.

I open the door, and the soon-to-be ex is hovering. I'm still cajoling the kid (he hates going to bed and is always asking for one more thing — so he doesn't have to leave my room and go to bed), and he continues to hover.

I finally light a fire under the kid and get a breather, and I get hit with “when did we move into X townhouse?” I get not everyone's memory is great. But this was right after we moved to this state. You'd think he'd have a clue roughly when we moved 2300+ miles and roughly when we moved into a place. Or maybe, he'd look at the shared Google calendar (that I've been using for over a decade so we can keep all of our stuff straight) and do a quick look. Yep, I just utilized that nifty search feature that GOOGLE calendar has. I don't see our move-in date. But after a 2-second search, I do see the final apartment walkthrough on there — for when we moved out. Subtract 12 months, and voila you've got the move-in date. Why the hell does he need to send me 2 texts and then hover outside my door? Literally, 2 seconds in our shared calendar and I found the answer. He has the same ability to do that same search.

I just suggested he rent a place that has all the utilities included — in part because I fear he'd have the electric turned off on him for forgetting to pay the bill. Seriously. He almost got scammed when looking at a place 2 days ago. I'm doing internet research for his rentals. I sent him 5 rental listings recently. He went to see 2 and wondered how I knew about them. I had to remind him that I was the one who sent him the listings. And why do I do this? Well, he's busy lying to me about where he's going (in a pandemic), and he's lying about other stuff. Oh, yeah, and he hasn't been bringing much to the table, other than frustrations and financial resources. And the main reason I'm helping him find a place? I don't trust that he'll not do something stupid — and we'll all be paying for some mistake/bad choice (like getting scammed or committing to a more expensive place or whatever). The frustrating thing? He's not an idiot. But he plays one in this house. I just want him OUT. Without causing us to file for bankruptcy.

And again, I ask myself, what did he bring to this marriage? You've read about women shouldering the mental load in heterosexual marriages? Yep. That's been my last 18 years. Well, with the exception of a few things in the past few years where I just don't do some things anymore. I wait until he's so disgusted, he finally does something about it. I consider it partial compensation for the initial 15 years. Of course, I pay for it by having to play “Where's Waldo?” while cooking, just to find something he's put away in a new place, or pulling dirty bowls and utensils out of the cabinets because he does a half-assed job at whatever I've refused to do.

Ok, now it's time to sleep — because guess who's grocery shopping for everyone at 7 am?

Tonight, he tried to tell me that is biweekly take home was almost $400 less than what it was in January of this year. He's had no paycuts or changes to his job, despite the pandemic.

I asked what the money was coming in. Not taxes, not anything — what's the actual amount that gets deposited (we have separate checking accounts for this) from his job. And he had to the nerve to give me a very specific amount that was $372 less than what it was in January. I know what it was in January because I anticipated this — and pulled down all of his paystub amounts for the past 2 years. And a copy of his most recent, full, paystub.

He insisted that it was that low. Then, he amended with “I'm putting some away for a deposit on a place.” I had to counter with... “that's not what I asked.”

Sigh. I just pushed him to tell me the amount — after pointing out I knew what the amounts had been for the past 2 years — and that I'd put it in a spreadsheet for both of us to view. And that it was quite a bit higher than what he was telling me now.

After he went back down to “look at the numbers,” he came back with an amount that's $84 less than the January number I had — which is possible because of tax changes and insurance changes and 401k contribution changes. Though, I'll still need to see it in the form of the online paystub before I truly believe it.

So. This is why I always have doubts. Is he trying to lie and pull one over on me? Or is he so clueless that he has no idea how much money he gets paid every 2 weeks? To the tune of being wrong by about $300 — and insisting he's right when he gives me that number — when he's wrong — by $300?

Jesus. And this is an “amicable” separation? I was 2 minutes away from demanding his work login info, and/or threatening to start shit with lawyers if I couldn't even get him to give me accurate info on how much his take home pay was. After we just talked like adults and went over the pros and cons of the latest place he looked at, reviewed photos and went over all the bills he'd need to cover. WTF? I swear... it's the most subtle gaslighting. Insisting I don't know something that I, in fact, do know. I am sooooooooooo glad I prepared for all this and got copies of all this, long before telling him I was done. Sigh.

Despite everything, I've bottled up what anger I do have (it's not volatile — just tired of him playing the victim and me having no chance to even tell him what a dick he was to lie to me for years). It's been 5 months since I decided, and almost 3 months since I told him it was done. But we keep it civil and talk a bit, and when I cook, I still include him. And when I make plans, I include him.

So, we went on a nice hike, about 20 miles from here, along the coast. It was great weather, very few people (3 pm on Friday), and just peaceful. We even did our first pick-up of food. I've been cooking everything, or we each scrounge around the house and eat what I've bought at the store.

Well, turns out he just can't hack it. Yesterday, after I made blueberry pancakes and bacon for everyone, he snuck out of the house (and yes — he can freely leave, but usually announces when he does, and his destination — usually just to grab meds or stop to buy ice cream or beer). He'd mentioned picking up meds after the hike, when we were passing CVS, but then said never mind — he'd get it the next day. There's the setup, folks...

So, post brunch, he quietly left the house, and didn't say or text anything (yes, we text each other from in the same house — helps keep things civil). Around 3:30 the kid talks about going scootering. He wants to know if his dad will go. I say, don't know — go ask. And he, of course, can't find him. And his car is gone. I mention getting the meds (less than a 10 minute drive from our house), and to ask when he gets back.

I had already mentioned that morning what I'd planned to make for dinner. He did give me a funny look. I mentally noted it, but I get many of those, so... Now I know why. He drove 20 miles down the road to meet up with the woman he's been flirting with since before the lockdown. Now... if we weren't in a pandemic... if cases weren't increasing here... If he even thought it was safe to even regularly order take out, I wouldn't give a shit. I told him at the beginning of February that he could do whatever he wanted (mostly because I knew he would, anyway, and there was no fixing this — he could hardly screw up the tail end of the marriage more). But that was over a month before the immensity of the pandemic hit. Before lockdowns.

So, now I've got a guy living here who wants to see someone else. And I don't trust him to make good decisions, or to not lie to me. He snuck out like a petulant teenager. Because he knows that we aren't visiting anyone. And we'd been in agreement on this (or so he claimed — again, probably shouldn't assume anything out of his mouth is in the vicinity of truth). My parents live less than 30 minutes away. I stopped by once to leave masks for them. And that was it. For the past 2 months. Anything I can order online I do. I have supplies that will get us through weeks of not going to the store, if the risk jumps so much that even that is more than we want to do.

But, he is so needy that he can't make do with that. And I don't know if he kept his distance. Just because he says something doesn't make it true. And the woman has kids that shuffle between her house and her ex's house. And I don't know who comes and goes from either of their places. This is the classic illustration of why you stay home. He's tempting fate, and putting our health at risk. Yes, we do that when we go to stores — but that's for food and essentials (though his beer and ice cream runs are already questionable).

So, back to the story. By 5 pm, after his kid has looked for him repeatedly and I'm planning on starting dinner, I send him a message. It's then that he calls and says he went to a park in the city (with the most cases in the state, I believe). I know he's gone to try to meet up with her (same as his trip to fly his kite down there another time). But he doesn't know how much I know. I'm keeping that close to me right now. He does finally admit that he's gone to see someone. Then he accuses me of being jealous. Oh... how unbelievably arrogant and stupid he can be. I would gladly let her have him for as long as she wants — as long as he pays his bills, and takes an interest in his kid. What I don't want is him coming into this house after going to see someone else — because we're in the middle of a pandemic, and I don't trust him to make good choices, based on his record of poor choices and lies. His desire to continue his record of poor choices increases our risk of exposure. It seems like a simple concept. Kind of what most of the epidemiologists, infectious disease specialists, and doctors are saying. The whole “stay home, save lives” mantra that is everywhere. And sure, social distance helps. But it's still an unnecessary, additional risk. And they still don't know all the details of transmission. And let's say he behaves perfectly with this woman and she never gets within 10 feet of him. He went to a busy park (he mentioned this) — where anyone else there could be sick and sharing the germs in the air, or bump into him or sneeze on him. A mask doesn't make it impossible to get the virus. And I have no clue if he even wore it. Or, more importantly, if anyone else was. Each trip out is a trip that puts you, and anyone in your house, at risk. It's why I chose a time and a place for our hike that I thought would have few people. And we only saw 6 people, in 2 groupings — and we were more than 6 feet from any of them.

So, I told him it's time to move out. He's obviously not going to make the best choices. And he's obviously still going to lie to me. Either outright or by omission. He's still busy telling people tidbits that make it sound like I don't talk to him or that things here are barely tolerable. I'm finally realizing that it's my duty to act the way he portrays me. One — to make his statements closer to the truth. Two — as motivation to get out. If he can't respect me enough to not lie during a pandemic, and then makes me out to be the villain, I'm done making things comfortable for him. The effort is wasted.

And the icing on the cake. For our take-out meal on Friday, we'd been hoping to get sushi. The kid loves maki and was pestering the crap out of us to get that. But both of the decent places we normally go were closed. So, we got something else, but told the kid we'd try to get maki another time, doing take-out from a place in the city. The kid was pretty bummed. So... guess who went to that city to see his new girlfriend the next day, and couldn't even be bothered to think about his kid and try to get some sushi to bring home for dinner? Yep. The self-centered guy who's still acting like I've done him wrong. And still reports to others about things being stilted here and pretends with some that we've barely been talking — and that he went on a hike. So people can (incorrectly) infer that he was alone. Or that it was even his idea. Because that keeps his victim story intact. You see, he is so lonely and maltreated by his soon to be ex, that he went for a hike by himself. His attempts at manipulation are just so sad. I used to ignore them (and I'm sure part of why he felt I wasn't affectionate toward him). But I'm starting to wonder if I should have directly called him out on it. Would that have nipped this behavior. I mean, it's just so cliche. “My wife is so frigid.” (Not an actual quote — just how I'm interpreting how he's sold it to others). As though I did it for fun, and couldn't possibly have a reason why I wasn't fawning all over him. I swear... SMFH. Consequences to his actions. He'll never get that.

He can't point to fights (I gave up a long time ago on 95%+ of the fights I would have started had I thought there'd be any point). He can't point to behavior. At least not too much. Although he's seen instances where his dad has lied, they've been tame and mostly about trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. And, it's possible, as an adult, he'll be able to think back to before this and realize I was not super-affectionate with his dad.

I don't want to tell him straight out: your dad and I had different requirements for marriage. His requirement: accept that he lies and lies about lying. And, will therefore choose to do whatever he wants. Was he abusive? No. Was he cheating? No clue. Was he the one to decide the rules of the relationship? I'm starting to realize, yes. I let him off the hook every time I said “no more lies.” I couldn't change him or demand he tell the truth (because he obviously didn't). But I could have left. That's all on me.

For me, my rules for marriage required one core thing: him not lying to me. And I let that slide for too long. Even the pet peeves I listed were not deal-breakers. They were annoying as hell (or I wouldn't have made an actual list), but even with all of them, I wrote them off as part of marriage. Taking the good and the bad. But I finally admitted that the lying was affecting my behavior. And we certainly didn't have a healthy relationship. The lying meant I didn't trust him. And I didn't respect him. And that meant all this was pretend. And I'm sure it was evident in my behavior.

So, yeah... how do you tell your kid that you finally respected yourself enough to get out of a relationship with someone who didn't respect you, or your basic expectation of honesty in a relationship? I guess I mean, how do you do that without hurting your kid? Without telling him that you compromised for years when you shouldn't have? Without saying that his dad is someone I don't respect? That I can't trust him. And I don't know if others can. Because I don't know if he lies as deeply or easily to others. I don't mean exaggerations or harmless white lies (e.g., “I really like that xyz thing you made!“). And does he gaslight them if he does? Does he lie about lying? Does he deny things that are true? Does he deflect and blame others or circumstances instead of accept responsibility for his behavior and choices? I don't know. I've watched him do some things pretty close with his sisters. Sometimes I think it's a crappy attempt to try to bring them together. And I see them doing similar things. Trying to manipulate each other. Report back to a different one about who said what or did what. So, maybe that's part of it. It's all about trying to get what you want — and being willing to lie to achieve it. He wanted to do what he wanted to do. And he didn't want a discussion. Didn't want an argument. So, his logic stated: just lie. He felt he was justified. And he doubled-down and lied about lying.

So, yeah... how do you explain to your kid that this was no longer acceptable in your life? You can't. Not without breaking the bubble of illusion that your dad is a great guy. And, generally, he's pretty good with the kid and a decent father. Though, I did have to tell him he's no longer allowed to shout at the kid for lying. Lying is something I'm done with. But adding hypocrisy on top of it? Nope. He can tell him the perils and consequences of lying. But if he attempts to be self-righteous about it and punish the kid as though he has any right to pass judgement on a kid who might be telling white-lies (as all kids do, and yes, the kid needs to be told that it's not ok)... I just told him I'm not having it and I'll call him on it if he does.

The closest I've gotten is repeatedly explaining about lying and how it's not ok. And reminding him of the boy who cried wolf — and that no one believed him anymore, after he repeatedly lied. It's simplistic, but there's a reason that story continues to be taught to kids. And we've had conversations about why I jump to conclusions. About why I shouldn't, and that I'm trying to change that, but it's based on things he's done in the past. And it hard for me to think something has changed after seeing the old behavior repeated so many times.

I hope, as he gets older he pieces this together. But until then, I get asked a couple times a week about why we're splitting. And that he “deserves” to know. I have no clue what the ex is telling him, but I told him that if I get a whiff of him blaming me, I have the evidence. This isn't me thinking he's lied. He and I both know it and he's admitted it. Even though he tries to play the victim when he thinks I don't know. Jesus. I feel like I'm talking about a child.