Separation in the time of coronavirus

So, we had a half day on Friday (work perk for me), and he took the time (use or lose and he's about to lose a bunch of time he didn't take). It's Memorial Day weekend, but I don't want crowds or to go too far (bathroom runs).

Despite everything, I've bottled up what anger I do have (it's not volatile — just tired of him playing the victim and me having no chance to even tell him what a dick he was to lie to me for years). It's been 5 months since I decided, and almost 3 months since I told him it was done. But we keep it civil and talk a bit, and when I cook, I still include him. And when I make plans, I include him.

So, we went on a nice hike, about 20 miles from here, along the coast. It was great weather, very few people (3 pm on Friday), and just peaceful. We even did our first pick-up of food. I've been cooking everything, or we each scrounge around the house and eat what I've bought at the store.

Well, turns out he just can't hack it. Yesterday, after I made blueberry pancakes and bacon for everyone, he snuck out of the house (and yes — he can freely leave, but usually announces when he does, and his destination — usually just to grab meds or stop to buy ice cream or beer). He'd mentioned picking up meds after the hike, when we were passing CVS, but then said never mind — he'd get it the next day. There's the setup, folks...

So, post brunch, he quietly left the house, and didn't say or text anything (yes, we text each other from in the same house — helps keep things civil). Around 3:30 the kid talks about going scootering. He wants to know if his dad will go. I say, don't know — go ask. And he, of course, can't find him. And his car is gone. I mention getting the meds (less than a 10 minute drive from our house), and to ask when he gets back.

I had already mentioned that morning what I'd planned to make for dinner. He did give me a funny look. I mentally noted it, but I get many of those, so... Now I know why. He drove 20 miles down the road to meet up with the woman he's been flirting with since before the lockdown. Now... if we weren't in a pandemic... if cases weren't increasing here... If he even thought it was safe to even regularly order take out, I wouldn't give a shit. I told him at the beginning of February that he could do whatever he wanted (mostly because I knew he would, anyway, and there was no fixing this — he could hardly screw up the tail end of the marriage more). But that was over a month before the immensity of the pandemic hit. Before lockdowns.

So, now I've got a guy living here who wants to see someone else. And I don't trust him to make good decisions, or to not lie to me. He snuck out like a petulant teenager. Because he knows that we aren't visiting anyone. And we'd been in agreement on this (or so he claimed — again, probably shouldn't assume anything out of his mouth is in the vicinity of truth). My parents live less than 30 minutes away. I stopped by once to leave masks for them. And that was it. For the past 2 months. Anything I can order online I do. I have supplies that will get us through weeks of not going to the store, if the risk jumps so much that even that is more than we want to do.

But, he is so needy that he can't make do with that. And I don't know if he kept his distance. Just because he says something doesn't make it true. And the woman has kids that shuffle between her house and her ex's house. And I don't know who comes and goes from either of their places. This is the classic illustration of why you stay home. He's tempting fate, and putting our health at risk. Yes, we do that when we go to stores — but that's for food and essentials (though his beer and ice cream runs are already questionable).

So, back to the story. By 5 pm, after his kid has looked for him repeatedly and I'm planning on starting dinner, I send him a message. It's then that he calls and says he went to a park in the city (with the most cases in the state, I believe). I know he's gone to try to meet up with her (same as his trip to fly his kite down there another time). But he doesn't know how much I know. I'm keeping that close to me right now. He does finally admit that he's gone to see someone. Then he accuses me of being jealous. Oh... how unbelievably arrogant and stupid he can be. I would gladly let her have him for as long as she wants — as long as he pays his bills, and takes an interest in his kid. What I don't want is him coming into this house after going to see someone else — because we're in the middle of a pandemic, and I don't trust him to make good choices, based on his record of poor choices and lies. His desire to continue his record of poor choices increases our risk of exposure. It seems like a simple concept. Kind of what most of the epidemiologists, infectious disease specialists, and doctors are saying. The whole “stay home, save lives” mantra that is everywhere. And sure, social distance helps. But it's still an unnecessary, additional risk. And they still don't know all the details of transmission. And let's say he behaves perfectly with this woman and she never gets within 10 feet of him. He went to a busy park (he mentioned this) — where anyone else there could be sick and sharing the germs in the air, or bump into him or sneeze on him. A mask doesn't make it impossible to get the virus. And I have no clue if he even wore it. Or, more importantly, if anyone else was. Each trip out is a trip that puts you, and anyone in your house, at risk. It's why I chose a time and a place for our hike that I thought would have few people. And we only saw 6 people, in 2 groupings — and we were more than 6 feet from any of them.

So, I told him it's time to move out. He's obviously not going to make the best choices. And he's obviously still going to lie to me. Either outright or by omission. He's still busy telling people tidbits that make it sound like I don't talk to him or that things here are barely tolerable. I'm finally realizing that it's my duty to act the way he portrays me. One — to make his statements closer to the truth. Two — as motivation to get out. If he can't respect me enough to not lie during a pandemic, and then makes me out to be the villain, I'm done making things comfortable for him. The effort is wasted.

And the icing on the cake. For our take-out meal on Friday, we'd been hoping to get sushi. The kid loves maki and was pestering the crap out of us to get that. But both of the decent places we normally go were closed. So, we got something else, but told the kid we'd try to get maki another time, doing take-out from a place in the city. The kid was pretty bummed. So... guess who went to that city to see his new girlfriend the next day, and couldn't even be bothered to think about his kid and try to get some sushi to bring home for dinner? Yep. The self-centered guy who's still acting like I've done him wrong. And still reports to others about things being stilted here and pretends with some that we've barely been talking — and that he went on a hike. So people can (incorrectly) infer that he was alone. Or that it was even his idea. Because that keeps his victim story intact. You see, he is so lonely and maltreated by his soon to be ex, that he went for a hike by himself. His attempts at manipulation are just so sad. I used to ignore them (and I'm sure part of why he felt I wasn't affectionate toward him). But I'm starting to wonder if I should have directly called him out on it. Would that have nipped this behavior. I mean, it's just so cliche. “My wife is so frigid.” (Not an actual quote — just how I'm interpreting how he's sold it to others). As though I did it for fun, and couldn't possibly have a reason why I wasn't fawning all over him. I swear... SMFH. Consequences to his actions. He'll never get that.