The irony

So, no more blowouts — because I have to keep my mouth shut because I've gotta get the house refinanced and things done that require the most basic of assistance from him, but...

From the last blowout (that I wrote about), he informed me of some of my major shortcomings. One is that “nothing in this house is mine.” He went on to give an example — the kitchen. His gripe? I'm too rigid in where I want things to be put (standard kitchen stuff, after it's been used and washed).

So, in my 18 years with him, one of his shortcomings is his memory. He knows this. Our kid knows this. Some of it is likely due to his medical issues and maintenance meds, but not all — as all 3 of his sisters have mentioned that he was like this before the onset of those issues (around age 30). With his memory not being great (except for quotes from 30-year old movies), he's not only forgetting things I've asked or told him, but he often forgets where he's put things. He often thinks he's lost something, though it's usually around, but just can't be found right away.

In the kitchen, this means, as I'm in the process of prepping or cooking (of which, I probably do 80% — he cooks an occasional breakfast), I end up going to grab something I need and not being able to find it. Sometimes it's an easy search — in a similar drawer. Sometimes not. Sometimes finding the tool is time-sensitive — stuff is threatening to burn because I thought I'd grab what I needed in half a second and it's now turned into a 2 minute search. Plus, we have a fair amount of stuff, and keeping track of it all if we just toss it anywhere is annoying — and we'd likely run out of space, as I have most of it strategically placed so that it can all (mostly) fit.

So... I pointed out that I do most of the cooking. I asked how often he cooks. He was silent. I said I like to be able to easily find things, and if, while I'm cooking and I can't find something, if I could ask him where something is and IF he'd know, I'd be less irritated. So, he says he puts it back where it makes sense to him. I have multiple frustrations with this.

  1. He doesn't always put it back in the same place — so where it makes sense to him is not static.
  2. When asked where — it doesn't make enough sense to him that he retains it because he often doesn't remember where he put it.
  3. It's a passive aggressive move on his part to just put it wherever, knowing that I want it to be in a spot where I know I can find it.
  4. He chooses not to ask where I normally put it because that would require effort and acknowledgement that he can't be bothered to remember, even though we've lived here for 3 years.
  5. Before we moved in, we had the kitchen renovated — and while we both had input (we picked out the cabinets, flooring and countertop together), he deferred to me when he had no opinion, and when we finally moved in, he told me to put things wherever, knowing I was the one almost always cooking.
  6. He doesn't even check the dishes when he puts them back — I often find dirty things in drawers — caked on stuff, and sometimes oozing stuff.

So. What made me smile this week? As he's busy trying to get everything together for his move (one week from today he will be OUT!), he's lost three different things. During the blowout, I pointed out how he “misplaces” things regularly, and that's why I want things in the same location all the time in the kitchen. He blew that off. Well, guess who never puts his wallet, keys, or bag (he's got a couple sling bags that he uses) in the same place? Guess who, during the past 2 weeks, has misplaced his wallet? And his keys? And his bag? And this is a regular occurrence. And not a 2-minute “lost” — he went days looking for one thing. We rarely leave the house without him wondering where something is and if he has it (usually phone and wallet, but sometimes other things). So... if I believed in karma... I don't. But I do believe in illustrating my point. And he does it for me so often.