Time
So, I write this near the end of 2020. A crazy, horrible year for so many. I've been insulated from so much of the devastation by the privilege I know I have — granted by my education, socio-economic status, profession, and the color of my skin. I live in a part of the country where the worst bypassed us till late in the fall, when complacency and denial set in. When the politics of those who feared losing power became a new religion and fanaticism became the norm for so many. And while I try to grasp how our country got so broken (I blame, in large part, a broken education system that was decades in the making — that tries to help all with methods that seem to hurt even more), I've been sorting through the personal fun of unraveling a relationship of the past 16+ years.
It's now been a full year since I discovered the latest lie that caused me to say “enough.” A week before Christmas. He moved out at the end of June. Continued to lie to me about what he was doing to try to get his way. Insisted he wasn't lying till I started naming names he thought I didn't know about. It was sad. He was out. He didn't have to keep lying — except to get what he wanted, and apparently, to try to pull one over on me. And so he tried again. All he did was seal his fate in my head as someone who will never been trustworthy. I will never be able to listen to his words and have the default thought be “he is telling the truth.” Will he ever understand the damage? He will constantly be pissed at me every time I question something he says. But will he ever accept that he's why I will? He planted those seeds. Repeatedly. It's sad that moving out didn't trigger that change for him. That his go-to response when given the choice to lie or be truthful — when he thinks the truth will not go over well — is to just keep lying. And lying about lying. And still, 10 months after telling him I'm done — I still don't recall a single apology. Not that it would matter. But it would be nice to know that he at least understood that lying was not ok. Oy. My poor kid keeps hearing me say that. Eventually it will click and he'll know I'm talking about his father and that lying had something to do with why it's over.
We've managed a détente. He doesn't keep asking for something and lying to justify his request (he wanted the kid to spend time with him, despite now being 2 households and claiming he agrees with covid best behaviors, including keeping our kid remote for the school year), and we pretend that we're pseudo-friends. I'm still paying the bills, he's still providing money. Legal stuff is on hold till the craziness eases up (and while I do things to fix up the house, prior to getting a home equity loan). He sees the kid, but keeps his distance and masks up. They chat and game online whenever they want.
So, I'm looking forward to the new, for many of the same reasons others are. And for some of my own. To solidify this change, to legalize it, and because, once we get vaccinated, I look forward to my kid being able to spend time with his dad. Knowing that his lies, at that point, won't put us at additional risk (that he'll, apparently, continue to lie about).
Here's hoping we can all start to heal this coming year. And that all who lost so much more than me, can somehow forgive all those who made choices that others paid for. We won't forget. But hoping we can move on — and not forget to help (and not hurt) others when we're able.