Where the trouble began
So, we moved across the country, less than a year after we got married. And while I'd seen times where he seemed to really adore others stroking his ego (especially younger females), I attributed that to his huge medical scare (and it was nasty), and his upbringing and being the center of the family's attention.
But within a year or two after the move, I noticed a pattern of him acting strangely. Saying things or wanting to do things that were new. Nothing horrid — but different. Lots of his conversations revolved around talking to/about a couple younger female coworkers. I tried not to overthink it and let it go.
But shortly after a party where all his coworkers came over, I felt something was just off. So, I did some checking.
On his website, “hidden” in a folder that had no obvious link, he had a stash of photos of the 2 women. All shots of them in their bikinis (it was a pool party) at our house. Not only had he taken a whole ton of photos of them, but he'd put them on his site, in folders — one dedicated to each of them. This is when the lying started. First it was just about taking pics. Then it was not for him, it was for another (married) coworker (so, he was just enabling piss-poor behavior of his male friend????). Then his attempts to deflect and redirect starting — talking about how I was blowing it all out of proportion. He really likes to use the word “innocent.” Yeah. That's the same kind of red flag as someone's overuse of “honestly.”
I told him, point-blank, that this may be the type of marriage his friends were ok with, but not me. We went into counseling. Nothing was truly resolved. I'd stumbled upon an mp3 on his site, too: Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. The URL on his site that linked to that file? A folder with the woman's first initial. I was told that was just to prove that mp3s could be posted/played on a website (this was in the mid-2000s). Then, one of his coworkers let it slip that Dick had been to her apartment. Jesus. I just stopped arguing.
Because, that's when you choose.
Do I pretend to buy the bullshit I'm being fed (and does he believe his own bullshit?)? Or do I leave? Is this a one-time fuck-up that didn't get that far? Was being caught a holy-shit moment on his part, and that he'll walk the straight and narrow from now on? In retrospect, the answer is obvious. But who doesn't want to believe that maybe the manchild who's just disappointed the hell out of them and lied to them will shape up — and that you didn't make a huge fucking mistake in marrying the person you did?